Santa Clara Meditation Invest in Yourself – From a Vain Life to a Life of Hope
Sangki Lee / Professional Soldier
I grew up in Chuncheon and was told that I was a good family member. My father was a professional soldier, and after he was discharged from the military, he had financial difficulty because he failed at his business. He was not lucky, but he was a good man in many ways. I studied hard and entered the academy with difficulty, and since then, I have lived like a high-speed locomotive. On the outside, I always tried to live the best cadet and military life. But from the age of 40, when I was promoted to lieutenant colonel, the desperate need to look back on myself began to grow.
There were many people around me that I hated, and there were many times when dealing with people that I had laughed on the outside but was uncomfortable inside
As my gray hair grew more and more, work began to feel more difficult. I’ve been trying to achieve something up until now, but I didn’t think I would achieve it. I didn’t even know what it was that I was trying to achieve. I thought I was good and I did well, but there were times when I had an inability to advance in work and I felt overwhelmed with my inability.
Life felt gloomy and empty. Looking back, I didn’t know where I was going and why. Come to think of it, there were many people around me that I hated, and many times when dealing with people, I laughed on the outside but was uncomfortable on the inside. I didn’t always like the instructions and styles of my superiors, and I wasn’t satisfied with what my subordinates did.
If I didn’t complain, most of my subordinates were good, but when I saw them the next day, I was reminded of the work that wasn’t getting done. This always stayed in my mind, and made me feel nervous and heavy. If there was anything uncomfortable about someone that day, I couldn’t sleep due to the thoughts and I tossed all night. I was constantly looking for something to find enjoyment in. I wanted to show off by practicing golf and tennis mostly to distract myself and I became obsessed with that. However, with the pursuit of pleasure and fun, the emptiness and lacking only grew. Oh, this is not really how I wanted to live. So I started to reflect and ask myself why it was so hard to live like this? I wanted to escape.
I thought about religion and meditation, but it was difficult to do in reality, and it seemed that the results could not be guaranteed even if it took decades. Then one day, I found a book about this meditation in the library and read it at once. I thought this was it. I decided to practice this meditation and started going to a nearby meditation center. I was in charge of an important position at this time and was up for a promotion, so I was very busy working, but I ran to the meditation center whenever I had time.
The only hope is this meditation. A definite alternative to a vain life
This is the only thing I knew for sure about this meditation. First, it accurately diagnosed the reality of my vain life. Second, it clearly suggested a way to abandon my self-centered false mind. Third, it clearly told me how I would live when I got out of this false mind. I didn’t know if I could really get out of everything and live so freely, but I was sure that this was the only way to go. Meditation was not easy for me.
It took me a few months to go through one process that others passed in a few weeks. It was frustrating and my pride was greatly hurt. Little by little, I started to have doubts. Still, I couldn’t give up. How would I live anywhere if there was no hope here? I just worked hard.
One day, my frustrated heart began to feel okay. I learned what the mind is and what it means to polish the mind. I also came to know that I was living a life that was an illusion, that everything was my fault and that it originated from me. I also learned that I didn’t have to live with that burden of pain. When I opened my eyes in the morning, I was grateful just to exist. I was increasingly filled with comfort and euphoria. I, who had previously only known me, wanted to do anything for others and became willing to move my body. It was hard to find where my irritation and anger went. When I closed my eyes, I became all of heaven, earth and nature and my body seemed to always fly away.
Orchards seem to do better on their own and produce good results even without strong help. Little by little people came to me. Everything became easier, and I don’t know if that’s why I’m not as tired as before. I’m getting older, but I’m in better shape than I was before. It is difficult to describe all the things I feel. But I know my life would not be like this if I didn’t practice this meditation. Just thinking of where I was headed before this fills me with gratitude that I have found this meditation.
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