Santa Clara Meditation Relationships – The Stress Of Raising My Children Has Completely Vanished
Soonae Han / Homemaker
I am a mother of an eight-year-old boy and a five-year-old girl, and I have been married for 8 years. Every day is noisy because of my children’s trivial fighting. Whenever they fight over who gets to play with a toy, my husband always sides with my crying daughter. The oldest child then feels sad and cries. Looking at it hurts my heart. Whenever I see my children behaving like I did as a child, I feel anxious that my children could be hurt like I was…
I Meditate Because I Want to Pass On a Bright Mind to My Children
As a child, my family was very poor. My father, a fisherman, drank a lot of alcohol so he often quarreled with my mother. They often fought about money because the cost of raising their children was stressful. I was worried that I made things harder because I was born, so I constantly walked on eggshells around my parents and endured any discomforts I felt. I couldn’t even ask my parents to buy school supplies and I couldn’t even speak about my tuition fee, so I would put off paying it until the last moment.
As I entered society I had a lot of difficulty working in one place for a long time because I cared too much about what my bosses thought. I thought that things would get better if I got married, but it wasn’t that different. Rather, when I began raising my own children, my minds of walking on eggshells and enduring began to present themselves. In particular, my biggest stress in raising children was money. Whenever I had to spend money, it would bring up my memories of a family environment that was poor and dark. I also saw my children’s future with anxiety and stress.
When I was stressed and my children were shouting and fighting, I shouted at them. When my emotions became intense, I hit them. Then, later, when I saw my child sleeping, I would hate myself.
If one of them accidentally broke an expensive item while playing, I shouted at them, without understanding their startled mind. I knew that I shouldn’t, but I was doing a lot of things subconsciously. I worried that my actions would be transferred to my children. I felt so guilty and sorry.
I didn’t know what I could do and I had no hope. I felt terrible because I knew that my personality and mind were being passed on to my children. I decided to do this meditation because I couldn’t live like this. Instead of giving my children toys, I wanted to give them a bright mind that was unscathed. Since my past had become my present, I knew that my present would become my future, so I was desperate to change myself.
As I Got Brighter, So Did My Children
As soon as I started meditating, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I was so grateful and happy to be able to erase the dark shadows of my childhood and the burdens in my mind. Sorrow and deep ‘sighs’ came out of me along with tears. Inferiority and anxiety about my future also disappeared. The hurtful things that had accumulated in my heart disappeared one by one. Inferiority, anxiety and remorse disappeared and my body and mind became lighter. Then, I took another look at my children.
My children are still noisy and fight over toys, as children do. But now, I no longer look at them with sad eyes. No! Now, I laugh and accept them as they are. The burden I felt about raising my children has also disappeared.
I can now let my children go, and I can look at them peacefully. Their teachers taught them what I couldn’t and they also learned from their friends. Children are not a burden on their parents; my children have enriched my life. They are a part of the world and something that I am thankful for. They have healed my wounds and we are growing together.
As I became brighter, my children’s faces also became brighter. It seems like they are growing so fast now. My daughter was especially sensitive and stubborn because her personality is most like mine. She’s brighter now, and she’s also good at playing with others. To my beautiful children, Dahyun and Minseo: Thank you for calling me Mom even though I am not perfect. I’m sorry if I couldn’t help you before, but now I will try harder to be a good mother.
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