Santa Clara Meditation Insecurities – Was I Really That Complex? It Was All Just A Dream
Jae-Sung Cha / Officer
I was a complex person. I may not have looked shy, but if I had to speak in front of people, I always became nervous. When I was a child, my mother would ask me to go to the store to buy something for her and many times I would come back home empty-handed. This was because I was too shy to even ask the store clerk to get me what she’d asked me to pick up. Why was it so hard for me to ask the clerk to ‘please give me this,’ or ‘give me that?’ There were a lot of times that I bought something that she didn’t even need because I was too shy to keep asking the clerk until I got the correct item. I just wanted to escape from the store. Once, my mother asked me to go with her to a party at her friend’s house, but I refused as usual, because I didn’t want to be around that big of a crowd. I knew there would be so much delicious food if I went, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go because of my shyness. That was my habit as a child.
Reading books was my only escape
It was reading that comforted my lonely, shy mind. The moment I saw a book of poetry or a novel for the first time, I couldn’t stop reading. I would read through the night because it gave me so much comfort. Books became my only relief and my sole companion.
I would tell myself that the human mind is full of complexities and thought that I certainly cannot be the only one who struggles with shyness. At any rate, I was addicted to literature. So much so that I began to think I didn’t even have to go to college. I couldn’t study textbooks because reading stories was the only thing that I was interested in doing. I didn’t want to attend college and I convinced myself that all I really needed was my books.
When people would ask me which college I went to, I usually changed the topic by quoting a passage from a book without really answering them. I secretly thought to myself that I could have attended college if I wanted to, but I chose not to go. In my house there were huge bookshelves filled with novels that greeted me. Reading all of those books were enough to prove my intellect. There was no need for a diploma from a university. But, somewhere in my heart, I felt an unfulfilled yearning.
I was still so shy and timid and couldn’t help but feel so inferior in front of college students. Sometimes I had nightmares of failing in life because I never got a degree. So, I started drinking to numb that feeling. When I woke in the morning, I’d look in the mirror and just cry out at what a loser I felt like. Everyday I would drink and live in the same messy thoughts and I began to feel uneasy at work. I was totally lost. That’s when I found out about this meditation method and this meditation became my only hope in life.
I found the reason for my shyness and I started to throw away
I am 42 years old. When I reflect on my life through meditation, I always come up with the same picture… I was in elementary school giving an arts presentation. I had to perform a dramatic soliloquy, but I was really embarrassed because I didn’t rehearse enough and messed up in front of everybody then ran off stage. That was the reason. After that, it became my trauma and I hated any situation where I had to speak in front of a crowd.
Literature and alcohol, it seemed, were my only way out of my fear and inferiority. But there were more remembered thoughts: growing up in a poor family environment, my academic background and so many people that I avoided because of my timidity. My inner mind of literature was also revealed. I always thought that I was a metaphysical human being and I pursued the cerebral world. I secretly ignored people thinking that I was different than other human beings. My superiority.
In the end, I became a very ugly man with a complex blob of thoughts. And when I tried to admit my shortcomings to myself, it was difficult to be humble and I always tried to find the other person’s weaknesses so I could be superior to him. This was my self-justification. It was also the reason why I became so cynical while reading literature. I always thought of others as being less than me. I always had to be so perfect so I had a reason to run off and be right. I was deceiving the world too, and I was so embarrassed and ashamed when I found that false me, and I had no choice but to keep on throwing it away.
I Woke up from the complex nightmare to enjoy real life
On a dark night, when the passing car’s headlights are turned on, the light shines on my mind, revealing messy floating thoughts. Fortunately, I’ve been living like that for a while, and I am the infinite universe! Eventually, I was just letting go of everything. How happy I’ve become! The moment I knew that life is just a dream, hope began to rise. It really was like waking up from a long night’s dream.
Kim Chun-soo’s “Flower” was my most hated poem. As for me, a person who never had any sympathy for the world, the phrase “When I called his name, he came to me and became a flower” just came alive.
I didn’t know if the flower was pretty but rather interpreted that line as “What did you come to this world for?” I was not happy before. To that extent, my heart was in darkness, and now it’s turned out to be a vivid spring. But now spring is good and spring is waiting. Now I take time to look at the flowers and think to myself, “why are you so pretty, nice to meet you!” Now I say hello to others and I’m calm taking the elevator. Now I’m no longer afraid to ask, “Which floor are you going to?”
During the holidays, I used to take on night duty at work to avoid the inconvenience of meeting my family and relatives. It was because I was ashamed of myself about not having a family yet, whenever I meet my parents and younger siblings. But I don’t take on night duty anymore. Now I’m the first person to visit during the holidays and help all the preparation.
Things which I have never imagined are happening. I’m already interacting with the world. I cannot replay such a sense of inferiority, as if I had crossed the river of oblivion. If there are people who are having a hard time due to their complex, I would like to ask. “Would you like it to be a dream? Do you want it to be real?”
We can wake up from our dreams. We can wake up from the nightmare of a complex and can enjoy real life.
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