Santa Clara Meditation Clean Mind – Depression And Loneliness: How Two Mothers Solved Their Problems Through Meditation
Taeyeon Jung, Youngsook Jung / Homemaker
Moms always dream. Some say that they want to succeed through their children. They want to be recognized and rewarded for their “devotion” and “sacrifice” to family. They are proud to work hard, waiting for the day that their children succeed. But life doesn’t always go as one intends. Yaeyeon Jung felt guilty when her children began to suffer from depression. Yongsook Jung always felt depressed and empty, even though she was loved. After meditating, they said that the problems of their lives were solved. This is the story of life changes and touching moments by two mothers who can now live with bright, beautiful smiles.
As Children Grow Up, They Represent How They Were Raised
Taeyeon: Before marriage, I wanted to look good in front of others, but I was always resentful of the world because I just couldn’t be recognized. Why was I born in such a poor home? My father died early, so my mom raised five children by herself.
Youngsook: My father was a school principal. I think I always wanted people to know me and recognize me in the countryside as being the daughter of the principal. But people didn’t recognize me any where else, so I was lonely. I wasn’t confident, and I was very depressed.
Taeyeon: Before, everybody got married quickly when they reached a certain age. Because life was so difficult, my mom made me marry at a younger age. I got married in a difficult situation so I only saw the bad side of my husband. I gave birth to my first child. I hated the idea of having a second child because it was economically difficult, but my husband and mother told me to try to have another child. To make matters worse, when I did get pregnant again, I had twins. We didn’t have a refrigerator or washing machine. My family lived in a rental with three babies. I cried and felt resentful as I was washing diapers. This was not the life I wanted.
Youngsook: My husband was a family man. Nevertheless, I complained a lot. I would always ask, “Who am I?” Because my husband is a professional soldier, we had to live in remote areas, so I think that made me even more lonely. As a result, I couldn’t give my kids enough love.
Taeyeon: I was very resentful of the world when I was kicked out of our rental after giving birth to the twins. The owner of our apartment told us to leave because we were noisy and used a lot of water. Every time I turned around, there were more diapers to wash. I couldn’t sleep at night and I couldn’t eat. As a result, I never held my babies warmly while they were breastfeeding. Later, when my children grew up, it was apparent that they didn’t receive enough of their mother’s love when they were young.
Who Am I? All My Worries Were Solved by Meditating
Youngsook: Even if I was economically better off, I always felt the same emptiness. I learned a lot: cooking, gas inspection, foot massage, beading, dressmaking. But I still felt empty. As I meditated, I realized that it was all because of my inferiority.
Taeyeon: I think I tried to fulfill my shortcomings through my children. My obsession with not being blamed by others was so serious that I often hit my kids to correct them.
Youngsook: I can’t imagine that.
Taeyeon: I’m the queen of pretending. People never see me as an angry person, but I was a complete monster (laughs). My kids only knew that side of me. I nagged them and hit them. All three children were introspective, obedient, and good at studying. I wanted to make a lot of money, teach my children to be the best and raise them without any sorrow or inferiority complex like I had. I sent my son to college, but because there wasn’t enough money, I sent my daughters to a trade high school (a school that prepares students to enter the workforce, rather than college). The twins became depressed. They couldn’t get used to working and their relationships with friends worsened. My son couldn’t adjust to college life, so he joined the army. Until then, I didn’t know they were struggling because I was so busy trying to earn money. When my eldest daughter went back to college, she got out of her depression. I sent my second daughter to college, but her depression got worse. I had spent 10 years fighting with my children. I found this meditation when it couldn’t get any worse.
Youngsook: I started meditating in 2006, after I read an article about this method in the newspaper. During level 1 of meditation, I sang out in relief to myself in my mind. I thought that I could now finally start to break the chain of my karma. I knew my purpose for living. I had felt so lonely all the time, and I had had a lot of worries about who I was. Those worries and concerns were all settled after meditating. I feel like I was saved. The moment I knew that was so good.
Taeyeon: That refreshing feeling? Everyone who meditates eventually comes to know it. It was so good to have peace when I went to meditation. That was because I always fought at home. After about 10 days of meditation, my mind became more comfortable. How can such a method exist? I threw away more of my pictures with sincerity. Then, during meditation, the childhood scene where my brother was beating my younger siblings popped up like a picture in my mind. It was because of that that I’d hit my kids. There were a lot of tears. This picture made me hit my three children. The picture I took when I was really young was directing my life and my behavior. I don’t have to blame anyone. This memory was a link that kept connecting in my mind, so I had to cut it.
The Children Laugh Often Now; Our New Life
Youngsook: You stopped your connection to that picture and that’s what I had to do too. When I was young, I was lonely because my mother wasn’t at home. Once, when it was evening, I lit a lamp, but it started a fire. I was so scared that I just cried. No matter how much I looked around, there was no one to help me. From that point on, my lonely and fearful mind grew.
Taeyeon: We pass our minds onto our children. I finally realized that if I didn’t escape, the children would have the same life as me. I was shocked. I had forced my kids to live the same way that I had lived, even though I hated my life. Being scolded, being afraid. After my father died, my brother hit his younger siblings, just like he had been hit by our father. I hated it so much that I promised I would never behave like him. But I did it to my own children.
Youngsook: They are so lucky to do this meditation before they are married. If they have children after meditating, they won’t raise their children the same way that we did.
Taeyeon: Yeah, I used to nag them every day, “Why are you getting up so late?” “My life is hard. Why are you living like this?” I didn’t deserve to ask them to change if I couldn’t change myself. I am grateful to them for having the patience to live with such a terrible person. These days, if I nag even a little, I really regret it. Then I reflect on myself all day long.
Youngsook: Your children must have gotten much better.
Taeyeon: Our family was born again. It’s rare for my children to fight with their father. The kids rarely laughed before, but now they laugh so often. (Laughs) I called my eldest daughter a few days ago. I had only let go of my pictures in my mind, but I hadn’t realized how it changed me in reality. I told her that I had called to apologize, and that everything was my fault. My daughter said, “I understand why you behaved like that, you didn’t know at the time.”
Youngsook: I was sorry that I hadn’t given enough love to my husband and children and I felt a lot of guilt. I gave them the loneliness that I had felt. Before, I was lonely because I was trapped inside my mind. But now that it’s all collapsed, every day is brand new.
After Getting Rid of the Comparing Mind, There Is Only Gratitude
Taeyeon: Since my husband started meditating, he often says, “I was wrong” and, “I really love you.” When my husband said it was all his fault, I felt more sorry, because actually it was all my fault. How hard it must have been for my husband because of the things I had said and done. I had compared everything before, “That person lives so well, but why is my life like this?”
Youngsook: Yes. I also had a lot of jealousy when I saw friends who were rich and had good husbands, but now that doesn’t exist for me.
Taeyeon: I hated my in-laws. When I fought with my husband, I always complained about his family. I hated his wealthy brothers and I resented them for not helping us. After meditating, I was grateful that my friends and relatives lived well. It may sound like a lie, but even if I can’t live well, it’s better if the person next to me lives well. It’s amazing how much I’ve changed.
Youngsook: Yeah, it’s like, is this really me? (Laughs)
Taeyeon: If everything’s the same, the world doesn’t change. It’s small, big, high, low, and everything is different, so it’s perfect. Because I knew that, my mind of not being good enough and comparing myself to others was gone. Honestly, what I’m doing for work right now is street cleaning. I always enjoy myself now that I meditate. I am grateful even if I clean up rotten food and all of my complaints have disappeared. Also, I thought before that I had sacrificed for my family’s sake, but since meditating I realized that I haven’t sacrificed anything – the whole world helped me to live here now.
If You Want to Be a Good Mother, Empty Your Mind
Youngsook: When you meditate, the minds of having to do well and wanting to stand out will disappear. I gave up my desire to be recognized, so if I was lacking, I just allowed myself to be as I was. My mind also became more comfortable. I didn’t have the mind to do well, but I put in more effort. The food I prepare is more delicious because it’s made without mind, and whatever I cook is made better than before. Living in the world as I am is not being lazy, so every result becomes more perfect.
Taeyeon: Because of that, we can feel that this is happiness. When I look at my family with a comfortable mind, my husband looks handsome, I feel grateful that I found this True mind.
Youngsook: In a situation where I would normally get angry, I find that I’m more at ease. Ah, this is what emptying the mind is like. As a result, I hear a lot of people say that I look more comfortable. My face has brightened and people sometimes ask me if something good has happened in my life. Previously, unwittingly, my face was always stern and tight. The kids say that my frowning eyebrows have now relaxed like I had a Botox procedure! (Laughs) So moms have to empty their minds. These days, mothers have too much desire to educate their children. They can’t do it at all, and they are full of minds. As much as they empty their minds, their children and husbands can be seen as they are. Even if they would like to be a good mother, many problems keep happening. But they will see how to solve those problems when they empty their minds.
Taeyeon: Mothers have a lot of burdens. Before meditating, I thought the biggest troublemaker in my home was my daughter. After meditating, our family now says that she saved all of us.
Youngsook: Miracles are not far away; this is a miracle (laughs).
Youngsook Jung: Born in Paju, Gyeonggi-do in 1959, she married her husband, Seungcheol Kuk, in 1983. She has two daughters. Started meditating in 2006.
Taeyeon Jung: Born in Daejeon in 1953, she married her husband Jaehong Lee in 1977. She has a son and twin daughters. Started meditating in 2007.
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