Santa Clara Meditation Joy – A Selfish “Witch” Becomes An Angel Without Wings
Kyungok Song / Homemaker
I was pregnant after only 3 months of marriage. When my child was born, my husband and I just weren’t prepared. It was very hard on my body and mind. The baby didn’t sleep well during the day or at night and constantly cried. As my life became focused on raising our child, the burden of parenting only grew in my mind. I wanted to be free, but I always had to take care of my child. Before, my husband called me “the witch” because I was irritable and nagging all the time. But I changed so much that my husband now says, “You are an angel, where are your wings?”
My Irritation and Nagging Could Not Be Quelled by Shopping or Travel
I went shopping at the mall every day to fill a void. What I bought at the stores was never taken out of the bag. In order to solve my frustration, I took my child and went on domestic and overseas travel with my peers. It seemed to me that my mind was wide open, but only during that time.
I just hated my well-meaning husband for no reason at all. I wanted a divorce, so I joined a divorce website. Because he had so many overseas business trips, on special days, such as Children’s Day or the end of the year, my husband couldn’t be with us. It was as if I was raising a child alone. I became irritated and constantly nagged my husband. I noticed that he began returning home later and later. He started to call me a witch.
Then I started this meditation. From an objective standpoint, I could see myself well. I was a prude and a princess pretending to be pretty. I needed to live like a princess, but that wasn’t reality. It was difficult. Before marriage, I was the main character of the world I created. I grew up without knowing a day of hardship. I have never cleaned or washed dishes. Even while carrying a handbag, I whined, “My shoulders hurt.” When I went up the stairs with a heavy load, I was upset and said, “I can’t do this.”
I Was Living Like a Princess, Not Taking Care of My Family
Because I was like that when I got married, as I took care of my family, I always felt like I was losing something. The reason I didn’t like my husband was because of the mind that only I suffered and that I did everything. Looking back, I realized my husband worked hard and stood beside me. While meditating, I texted my husband a lot: “Thank you, I miss you.” “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”
I acted like a stepmother to my daughter. When she was young, I thought that I should train her early, so I often scolded and hit her. Even if my daughter wanted to play with me, I refused and let her play alone. I told her, “Your friend plays well on his own.” After meditating, I realized that that friend could play well on his own because he didn’t have anyone to play with. For my own convenience, I didn’t spend time with my child. Before, I couldn’t understand her perspective. Now, my heart hurt.
As I meditated, I felt like I was really becoming a wife and mother, little by little. When I abandoned everything I had seen from my own perspective, I could see my husband and child as they are. As a result, the way I spoke to my husband also changed. In the past, I ordered, “Eat!” “Will you come home late? Why?” Now I say softly, “I prepared a delicious dinner, so please come home early.” I used to say to my husband, who goes to work in the morning, “Throw away the trash.” I made him do it, but now I do it myself, saying, “It smells, so I’ll do it.”
Strangely, when I changed, my husband also changed. He washed the dishes, cleaned and prepared our child’s backpack for school. My husband started returning home sooner. Then one day my husband called me to the front of our house. It was really unusual. My husband said, “You are so nice and our family is so comfortable. You are an angel. Where did your wings go?”
Now I Am Always Happy and Free, Even at Home
My relationship with my child also changed. Before, while fighting each other, we would both become tired from crying. Now I read books to her and play with her often. If she ran in the house, I would say, “Why are you running like that!” and hit her. Now, I explain to her, “If you run, I think the old lady living below us will come up.” Then my daughter understands and quickly becomes quiet. Sometimes she writes me a letter and puts it on the dressing table. ‘Mom, I’m sorry I was loud. I love you.’ She is distracted much less now, and she often comes to me for hugs.
Our family seems to be one now. In my relationship with my husband and my relationship with my daughter, I have no expectation that they have to do as much as me. I am just happy to do it for them.
Also, I was very sorry that I was not grateful to my parents, and I went to my parents’ house and bothered them. After meditating, my mind is always full. Before, I felt like it was difficult to do even one thing, but now, on top of being a wife and mother I also work. I have the confidence to do anything. I’m good at carrying heavy bags now.
Sometimes, when I think about the past, I laugh. Now I rarely go shopping or travel. It’s always good to stay at home. I’m always happy, free and grateful. It is a happiness I have never felt before. My house is like a travel destination and my days are no longer boring. It’s always a new day. When emptying the mind, everything changes.
https://santaclarameditation.blogspot.com/2021/04/santa-clara-meditation-joy-selfish.html
