Santa Clara Meditation Self Reflection – I Used To Be A Sensitive And Hypocritical Boy
Hyun Woo Sung / Junior High Student
When I was in elementary school, I was smart. Because of that I have gotten many compliments from teachers and friends. But, after I became a 3rd grader, I saw myself becoming more arrogant, and never appreciated my teachers and friends. I did not realize it at that time, but there were many kids who cried and got hurt because of me. I intentionally made fun of them because I knew I was smarter than them. I was too young to realize what was wrong with me.
My mom cried because of my wrong doings to others.
I pretended to be a good boy in front of teachers and adults, but I was really mean to my classmates. I used to be very hypocritical. My mom cried in front of me because of my wrongs doings to others. When I turned 10 years old, I found this meditation. My mom made me participate in the intensive meditation camp during summer vacation. While meditating, I was able to reflect on myself and what I had done. I realized that I’m a strange kid.
I also realized that I had lots of negative minds. I had always been blaming others and pointing out that why he/she is so sensitive and negative. But when I was doing the meditation, I realized that it is just my mind. The ones who were sensitive were not others, but me. The more I practiced this meditation, the more I started to be able to see how negative I was.
I had strived to get compliments from others, and in order to receive that, I had to pretend to be nice and kind. At the same time, I had always been afraid if people didn’t like me. That’s why I had been always depressed since I had to suppress my real negative emotions.
While practicing this meditation, I could find the moments when I was praised by teachers and friends, and all the behaviors that earned me praise. For example, when I was young, I used to act like an adult. I always pretended that I’m okay, I’m fine. I could never refuse other’s requests even though I wanted to refuse. After I found all these moments, I started to throw away these minds. While doing it, I felt so ashamed of myself for being so hypocritical. I finally found out that because of all these picture minds in me, my personality became like that.
I am able to reflect on myself instead of showing my anger.
As I practice this meditation more, I am able to find out who I am. I used to be sick when I was younger, and due to that I was a sensitive kid showing my anger to my parents. I could not appreciate them even though my parents did everything for me. I complained all the time about my mom’s food. I also complained about the fact that my dad didn’t spend enough time to take care of me. I could never appreciate my doctors and teachers. All of those people who were trying to help me, but I didn’t even smile at them. I just focused on my bodily pain. I couldn’t see the others.
Fortunately, now that I have completely changed after doing this meditation, whenever I feel irritated from a situation, I am able to throw away that mind of irritation and be okay. I no longer suppress my minds, and instead I throw away these minds.
The best part of my change is that I am able to be who I am and I don’t pretend anymore. I have started to hear that I have become so much more natural and that I look so comfortable. I have started to be more comfortable whenever I have conversations with anyone. I’m so grateful for this meditation and for these amazing changes in me.
https://santaclarameditation.blogspot.com/2019/11/santa-clara-meditation-benefit-i-used_18.html
