Santa Clara Meditation Book – If You Want To Grow, Then Get Used To Criticism
A lot of people look up to and love global leaders who have strength and compassion. Having these two elements at the same time make them global leaders.
Then, do people look at me and think that I am strong? Think that I have compassion?
Just exactly how do people see me? What do I have to fix to be able to converse and get along better with others?
From <Compelling People> by John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut, Harvard Communication experts state “If you want to grow, get used to criticism” in the chapter ‘How Great People are Made’.
Also they say, ask your close friends to give an honest opinion about yourself.
If you want to grow, get used to criticism
3 steps to objectively view myself
1. When I am asking for an honest evaluation about myself, promise my friend I will accept and acknowledge their evaluation.
If it is a close friend, then she will be the best at objectively evaluating you. But it may not be easy to get an honest opinion. She may be worried of hurting you if she tells you the truth. So when asking for her opinion, first promise that no matter what her opinion is, you will acknowledge it and accept it. There is a popular saying these days “The solution is already determined. You just need to answer it.” That approach would actually be very dangerous. Haha. Quietly, deep inside, expecting praise or feeling of ease, approaching your friend with these minds is a big No~ No~!!
<Examples of some common answers you need to avoid at this step>
You: Hey… When you look at me, what do you think are my problems? I feel like people are avoiding me these days.
Friend: What? Problems? Um…
You: I mean, don’t worry and just be honest with me… Do I really have any problems?
Friend: Um… (being cautious) you know when I see you… (Your expression suddenly becomes stiff and dark….)
Friend: Well, when I see you, I don’t see any problems. Umm.. if people are avoiding you, then those people are weird. Um… you know. (Your expression suddenly gets brighter…)
You: Thanks… of course, you are the best friend who knows me the best…
2. Explain why you are asking for this favor and tell them what you have felt you lack in.
“Recently, I feel like I am unable to communicate with people. So I am trying to find out the reason. I might have made others upset. Or I may have come on too strong and cut off ties. But I really can’t pinpoint the reason. It is just a general feeling.”
Like this, you, yourself, should explain what you feel is your problem when you start the conversation. Then your friend will feel much more comfortable in honestly speaking his/her opinion. And if by chance, what you think about yourself is incorrect, then your friend can really pick the points you misread about yourself and may make you feel at ease.
3. After asking for an evaluation, listen carefully to what your friend is saying. Just don’t get disappointed in what is being said.
If you did steps 1 and 2 with all your heart, then your friend most likely will have given you his/her honest opinion. But wait! If you are too small-minded, then you may get stuck on what they told you and feel like you are full of problems and dig yourself into a hole you cannot come out of.
Don’t do that. Although you take in what your friend told you sincerely, it is simply one person’s opinion, no matter how reliable your friend may be.
If by chance you heard something very important in that evaluation, ask your friend what he/she thinks of what you just heard and ask if your explanation of it makes sense.
Again, even if you hear a lot of criticism, there is no need for despair.
You have no reason to have a hard time trying to correct all of your problems at once either.
Simply, right now, be happy that you can finally see yourself clearly.
“In conclusion, it is not about what kind of personality you were born with, it is what kind of person you chose to be that is the problem.
People judge you based on your actions, especially how you communicate with others determines how they judge your character.”
(<What kind of person rises to the top> page 119)
Looking at yourself accurately, objectively, it requires a lot of courage.
The fact that you are trying shows that you already have enough potential to grow.
Now that you know what needs to change, you only need to change yourself.
To those who are trying to have great communication and great relationships… I cheer you on!
This blog’s references are from <Compelling People> by John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut
Source: Meditationusa.org
https://santaclarameditation.blogspot.com/2019/11/santa-clara-meditation-blog-if-you-want.html
